Appearances can be deceptive
They say that “all that glitters is not gold” and that is a warning that we should always bear in mind.
The other day I came across a couple of blog posts by Danik, (http://shocky.kloop.kg/ – they are in Russian), which brought this home to me once again. He is a local student … who happens to be gay.
He apparently took exception to the concept of “gaydar”, (a portmanteau or composite word: from gay and radar), which refers to the supposed intuitive ability to assess someone’s sexual orientation, (gay, bisexual, or straight), based on non-verbal clues such as social behavior and mannerisms such as flamboyant mannerisms, overtly rejection of traditional gender roles, occupation, appearance and grooming habits, (dress, hairstyle, etc.).
It seems there have been some experiments into the topic, and researchers report that people were able to identify the sexual orientation of some gay men with a frequency which was better than might be expected from random chance from as little as a photograph of someone’s eyes.
Despite such “scientific” evidence, Danik found the whole idea as nonsense and gave several examples to justify his opinion. I tend to agree. It seems to me that appearance is far too vague a criteria on which to base such a judgment. It relies heavily of physiology, build and fashion.
I once had an argument with a local businessman here, who declined to employ someone who sported an earring. “He looks gay”, was given as the reason. “That’s not a valid reason,” I said. Apart from the fact that his private life was his own business, (unless it actually interferes with his ability to do the job – such as the predilection here for drinking vodka to excess, if they then turn up for work next day with a splitting headache and unfit to carry out their duties), “wearing an earring doesn’t mean that he’s gay”. “It may not in the West,” was the reply, “but it does here.” That was a clear “shutout” if ever I heard one. I still, however, disagree with him.
I remember, to give a more personal example, when I was a student and went to work as a barman in a local pub where I was working during the holidays, wearing a brand new, white Arran pullover which my mother had knotted for me. Arran is a particularly intricate style of knitwear and it took hours of effort to produce this particular pullover. As I walked into work, I was asked by the landlord if I intended to wear the pullover whilst serving, adding that, perhaps, I ought to take it off because people might think I was gay. (He didn’t use that particular word, it was coming into popular usage at about that time, but something far more derogatory). Somewhat surprised, I declined citing the unseasonably cold weather that day which was the reason I was wearing it in the first place, and kept the pullover on. Some customers, however, gave me funny looks and at least one actually made a comment. I am sorry to say that I wore a different pullover the next day.
I accept, however, that it might be more plausible to base judgments on someone’s mannerisms but even that strikes me as unreliable. I have known many people who could, for example, be described as “camp”, but not all of them have been gay. Some are, for example, happily married with families – and although that doesn’t mean that they aren’t still “in the closet”, it seems more than a little arrogant to assert something about their sexuality, (if it’s any of our business), without other “supporting” evidence to corroborate the conclusion.
Then again, it is common here for people to walk along the street holding hands, even if they are of the same gender. Often you can see two lads walking along, one with his arm around the other. This doesn’t mean that they are gay – and it would be a mistake to draw that conclusion. It is part of the culture where physical contact is much more acceptable than it is in the West. On more than one occasion, for instance, I have become uncomfortable, (even threatened, especially when they are clearly under the influence of alcohol), when someone has held on to hand after a handshake whilst they continue talking. On the other hand, it’s a common practice here and a sign of respect and attention.
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It’s not just a question of sexual identity or orientation. Another example, which I found far more worrying, involved my haircut. Now, most of the men on my father’s side of the family have thinning hair – and were at least receding, if they were not actually bald. On my mother’s side, virtually all had straight unruly hair which just hung down and was difficult to do anything with. As a kid, I had been fascinated by the military crew cut style sported by the military and astronauts like Neil Armstrong, but my mother “forbade” me to have one … so I normally ended up with a short back and sides, although for a time I toyed with a Beatle cut.
After I had been living in London my hair was already thinning out and receding. For a while I grew my hair long. That was partly fashion, but also partly laziness, going to a barber cost money and took time. I eventually bought myself a hair trimmer and sitting in front of a mirror ran it across the top of my head, giving myself a crewcut. Because my hair hangs instead of standing proudly to attention, it was necessary to cut it really short. As it happens, I liked the result and decided to keep it in future. At least, that is, until I went to the shop the next day.
It was a little local “corner shop”, run by a Pakistani family and I remember well, to this day, how it fell silent as I walked in. Everyone stared at me. The shopkeeper nervously approached me, ran up my purchases on the till and took my money. Nothing like this had ever happened before. I had been in that shop three or four times a week for several years and new the family, albeit not that well. Confused, I turned and walked out and went home.
A couple of days later, the shopkeeper’s son saw me in the street and we exchanged greetings: “Hello”, “Hi”, that sort of thing. Then he made a comment about my new hairstyle and mentioned the S-word … why had I chosen to have a “skinhead”.
Then, the penny dropped. It dawned on me that this was a South Asian family living in a part of North London which, although quiet and conservative, was seeing some examples of developing racial tensions. Then, and now, “skinheads” were associated with racist, neo-fascist groups. Even though we knew each other, and they must, (I hope), have realized that I wasn’t a racist or neo-fascist, they were sufficiently surprised and unnerved by change of appearance. They weren’t reacting to me as a person. They were reacting to my haircut.
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It’s easy to stereotype people, and we all do it. It is easy to jump to conclusions based on little more than an impression or suspicion, possibly supported by some “evidence” – which, then again, may or may not be relevant.
I have to admit that even I fall into this trap, although I try hard not to do so, and instead to try and judge individuals on the basis of what I actually know about them rather than what I perceive to about them.
It’s a lesson that I learned from a friend that I had in Oxford. He surprised us all by befriending people whom everyone else shunned and thought was awful. We asked him about it once and he said that he wanted to make up his own mind about people rather than take the common opinion. He found, he said, that there was something positive in most people. Although he also confided that often the commonly held general opinion was correct – it was not always correct and as a result, on occasion he found that he was rewarded by finding a new and valued friend.
More to the point, what risks do we expose ourselves to if our intuition turns out to be wrong, if the impression we have turns out to be mistaken, if the suspicions we have are unfounded. And I am not just thinking about drawing conclusions about someone’s sexual orientation. On several occasions I have met people who have said that so-and-so has done something wrong, they are stealing, for example, or they are on drugs. These accusations are often based on little more than a “gut feeling”, an impression or how something appears. Sometimes they are correct but on other occasions, after a little investigation, it turns out that there is another explanation and that things were not exactly what they seemed to be.
Intuition can be a useful guide, which can point us to look at particular possibilities, but we should always remember that “appearances can be deceiving”.
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Bishkek